FF7: The Attack Of The Head Exploding Martians!
by Randomness-101
Summary: Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Sailor 1, and the rest of the gang has to destroy the Martians! R&R, No Flames pleas. O, and crazedredsoxfan is my sister. Thats why she flamed on perpose. Cuz she hates me.
1. The Head Exploding Martians!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7, nor do i claim to, and i dont even remember how i remember to do this. But guess what Yea, Romeo and Juliet did suck! But that wasnt what i was going to say, you impatient...FOOL... NOW LISTEN TOO ME..

no, i dont take medicine... NO MY DOCTOR HASENT EVEN SUGGESTED IT..yea, you better just go on the story..

Too bad i dont own ff7.. i wouldn't need money...and my Room wouldn't be 4 ft long...Do you actually read these? hahahaha, i know im a BAD man...

ok this is my first story, so dont kill me if it sucks. Now i got myself sad. '( Go away unless you wanna see me cry.

FF7: The Evil Martians!

"OH MY GOD! CLOUD! THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!

RUN AWAY OR BE DISINIGRATED BY THEIR LASER PHASERS!

AAAHAHH!" Tifa screamed as loud as she can, blowing up the head of a local sailor.

"Umm, Tifa, you sorta, umm, blew up that guys head", Cloud said, waking up.

"Oops, i guess i did. I dunno", Tifa said.

"Never fear, You did not", the sailor replied as he regrew his head.

"Wow, howd you do that?" Tifa asked.

"I.. Dont...Know..." The sailor replied yet again, before the aliens from mars blew him up.

" I forgot, the aliens were still attacking", Tifa said.

Then they ran away to somewhere in the jungle.

"Hi Tifa And Cloud!", Yuffie yelled. "Why, Hello", Cloud said.

"Yes I too greet you," Said Red VII, before the aliens blew him up.

He then rematerialized in front of them.

Did i spell that right? Rematerialized. I dunno.What ever.

"Wowie, Howd you do that?i mean, comin to life in all" Yuffie said. "I.. dont...know... but somehow, this sailor REMATERIALIZED on my back" Red said. "GO DOGGY GO!" the sailor said. So they ran away and died.They did not REMATERIALIZE.

So barret got sad and ran away forever.

"YO YO YO homie, we gotta bust a cap in da aliens buttocks. U KNOW IT!", Vincent gangster said, before he blew up too. But little did we know, he really didnt die. He just exploded...

So now, yuffie, cloud, tifa, and cait sith ran away all the way too the Gold Saucer, where they took the Gold Saucer and started to kill aliens. "IM MELTING!" The aliens said before it exploded. "YAY" said all the little people. "Your welcome thank you" Tifa said, bowing her head, before all the people exploded.

"Man, why does that always happen?" Tifa Questioned.

Yuffie's head exploded after she heard Tifa talk. Then it grew back! Yay!

"Yay!" Said Yuffie with her new head.

Then, Cait Sith Started to explode, but only the toy part did. So, well, i guess he didnt actually explode...

So the kitty kat was very ugly and fat so he couldnt walk. So he jumped on clouds big sword. then he exploded and flew 5000 miles to Russia. "ARGH,"said cait Sith.

"GUYS, THE ALIENS ARE STILL ATTACKING! AHHH!" Tifa Screamed.

"hmmm, i didnt even know There was still a Russia.." Cloud pondered before he blew up.

"NOOOOOOOO CLOOOOUUUUDDD!" Tifa exclaimed, before cloud REMATERIALIZED.

"Wow, im alive! lets go kill something Tifa!" Cloud Said

"Straight... Up" Said a mysterious voice.

And that's chapter 1. i dunno. It's my first story so pleas R&R if you want another chapter. I accept constructive critiscism, but no flames pleas. THATS CHAPTER 1! yay!


	2. New Recruits

Disclaimer: I dont own Final Fantasy 7, Or Diablo2 SO NOW YOU CAN'T SUE ME! HAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH

FF7: The Attack Of The Martians II

" Yo wasup dawgs? How u hangin?" Vincent said.

"umm, didn't you die?", Cloud said. Just then, an alien appeared and started to mine coal.

"Hi lil fella, how are you doing? Why are you mining coal?" Tifa said, hoping it would explode like everything else.

"My stupid commander, Xxargha'Inlagh, Or jimmy, as we call him, is making me mine coal because the goat i sacrificed was aleady dead! And it was a farret too! By the way, my names is Xphlobianami,

also known as derek.",The Alien Said.

"Aww thats SOOOOO sad. Can i keep him cloud? can i? can i?" Yuffie said.

"Sure, I love animals! But first we need a cage. Hmmm..." Cloud Pondered. "I know, let's go beat up an alien!"

So they ran away back to midgar ( or what was left of what was already left of it) and cloud did a super jump and cut open the mothership. 800,000 aliens fell out and exploded. Then 70 fell out and did not exploded.

They were happy.

The KingMan, Xxargha'Inlagh, or Jimmy, Then pulled out a lightsaber and started to fight Cloud. He cut clouds big sword in half, so Yuffie, Tifa, Derek, Vincent, And Cloud ran away all the way to russia, where they found Cait Sith, and had a party, later having Tifa And Cloud get married. They ran away to somewhere far away for they're honeymoon. Then they came back, with sailor #1, who was legally renamed to Philly. Philly Jakson.

"Hello, Mates! I be thee toughest sailor on the sea!" Philly Said.

"Hey, didn't you die like... umm... 3 or 4 times?" Derek Said.

"Why, yes i did, an its a doggone shame that doggy didnt come back to life", Said Philly.

He was sad. So he cried. And he cried. And he cried. And he cried. And he cried.

And then cait sith punched him so hard that Doggy came back to life!

"It's a miracle! Let's go kill that bum, Xxargha'Inlagh, or jimmy,so we can save the world and be rich!" Philly Said

"Yea, but first i wanna see your power! It must be so cool!" Cloud exclaimed.

"My...Power? I didnt know we had to have a power." Philly said, Wicked sad. So he gloomily ran away, to go get a ship.

" Man, thats so sad. Guys, i think we should go help him find his ship. And his mom",Cloud said

"I didn't know he had been looking for his mom. Thats sort of sad." Red said.

"What ever lets go and find a Ship for philly before it gets dark out.My mom says i gotta be in by 9",Cloud said

"Haha, you still live with your mom!" Barret yelled. "Whend you get here?" Cloud questioned.

"I ... dont...know..." , barret said, so for 8 long hours, they looked for a ship for philly.

Finnaly they found a ship with 14 goats and a ostrich driving it.

"Umm, mister ostrich, can i have your ship? Pretty please?" Cloud whined.

"Okie Dokey Hokey Pokey" Mr O said."Wow, this adventure get weirder and weirder" Cloud said.

So they drove away in their new ship to find Philly, but when they found him, it was not a pleasant sight...

"MOM, PHILLY?" Cloud screamed, " HOW COULD YOU?"

"Umm, what are ye talking about, boy?", said a random pirate.

"Oops, wrong guy. Anyway,wanna help us kill Jimmy?" "Sure!"

So the gang kept on looking for Philly. Until They found him and he exploded. Then he came back to life.

"So guys, lets go to the chaos sanctuary and see if Diablo wants to help us. I mean, he might be able to let us ride on his back all the way to planet mars to talk with their leader." Cloud told them.

"Hmm... Seems dangerous ",Tifa said, blowing up the head of Vincent, who just happened to be listening.

Then it grew back. So they drove an airplane all the way too the pandimonium fortress.

"Greetings mortal",Tyrael said, " O it's you guys. Guess what? Izzy has been corrupted. Now im lonely."

"Umm, yea, so you wanna help us kill the aliens?" Cloud asked.

"Sure, whatever, i dun got anything better to do.", Tyrael told them.

So they walked down to chaos sanctuary, ready to go through rigorous trials just to see Diablo.

But when they came down, they saw the Grand Vizier Of Chaos at a desk.

"Do you have an appointment?", he asked.

"Umm, where is diablo?"

"He is at a meeting. Can i take a message?" he said.

"Yes, eat this! " Vincent said, shooting Vizier, killing him.

"Lets go bust a meeting, homie! " Vincent yelled.

So they went to seal #4 and Yelled to diablo, " Diablo, come help us kill diablo..er... i mean the aliens!"

"Nice, ill see you Bussinessmen L8er!", Diablo said, as he jumped in a cloud with the gang and flew to midgar.

On the way, they found a mutated Deer named Leopold Bergin. It killed things.

So they burst in front of the MotherShip and blew up the aliens. Unfortunately, Diablo Exploded 93 times in the process. But he came back to life, at least. So the Boss, Xxargha'Inlagh, Or jimmy, finnaly fought with Cloud.

"So Xxargha'Inlagh, or jimmy, it has finally come down to just the two of us,

and everyone else thats here." Cloud said. "Yes, you are CORRECT! MWHAHAHA!" ,Xxargha'Inlagh yelled.

So Xxargha'Inlagh died. So the gang stole their mothership and flew to mars, where they quickly exploded, except tifa, who was wearing a spacesuit. Then they rematerialized in space suits. VERY dirty space suits...

Thats chapter 2! R&R, PLEASE! I NEED REVIEWS!


	3. Mars A New World

Disclaimer: I dont own ff7 and diablo2. My disclaimers are so boring. I like Hyper Guyvers. They're Cool. At least mine is purple. i think. thanks to Lenna the Fallen One! your like the only one who reviewed!

FF7: The Attack Of The Martians: III

Then, leo ran away and started a big drunken fight with some aliens.

" You wanna mess, goat-burp-boy", an alien said.

" Moo, moo moo moooooooo! Sure, alien-liver!", Leo said.

After a long fight between the alien warrior Liopoli'Pitala and leo, the alien warrior died. and exploded.

He explodedly died.

"Wow, Leo, howd u do that? I always thought you were just a stupid mutated goat."

Those were the last words of patchie the Pirate. God bless his mutant-deer-eaten soul.

"Moo, moo moooooo moo moo", Leo said.

"Well, at least you had a reason," said tyrael, " And dont mutated goats say 'heesnaw', not moo?".

Those were the last words of Tyrael the Angel. God bless his mutant-deer-eaten soul.

" Leo, thats enough senseless carnage" "Moo moo moo? "Fine, but ONLY vincent"

"WHAT?dawg" Vincent said.

Those were the last words of Vincent the...well...um...vincent. God bless his mutated-deer-eaten soul.

Then Hello kitty came. She was eaten also.

But little did we know, she didnt really die, and was a highly-trained ninja. With a sword. A BIG sword.

So the gang started to walk towards the capital city of Min' Astir. Then Cid appeared.

"I thought we were missing someone," Cloud said.

"YES! sniffsniff how could you cloud? you said we would always be together." Cid said.

"Umm, no i didn't. Im M-A-R-R-I-E-D to Tifa," Cloud told him.

"Oh. Ok. Can i help you kill things too? PLEASE," Cid asked.

"Sure, whatever. Hey, how did I kill Xxargha'Inlagh if in the first fight, he cut my sword in half?" Cloud asked.

" I dont know." Tifa replied

"Hey guys, ill go search ahead. Hey I wonder why what those spider-looking metal things ar-BOOM"

Those were the last words of Cid The Pilot. God bless his Spider-Exploded soul.

"Well, I dont think we should walk on that MINEFIELD" Cloud exclaimed.

"Umm, yea cloud, I think we already knew that.

After Cid exploded. And Died. Explodedly Died," Siad Tifa.

So they flew their spaceship over the bombs, right into the Mars Hq. They Screamed. But didn't die.

"Wow, we screamed, but didn't die. This is the best day in my life...thing..." Diablo said.

Then he walked away.

"Cmon, lets go kill some aliens. But i hear they're rubber is very strong. Watch Out,"Cloud told them.

"What would that have anything to do with anything?" Tifa asked.

"It means theyre Rubber is very strong, Duh!" Diablo answered.

"Stay outta this D! This beef is between us!" Tifa told him.

"Umm, what?" Cloud said, before Tifa knocked him out.

- 5 hours later -

"ha, YOUR the leader of us? you can't even take one punch from a girl," Diablo said.

3 hours later, tifa had a new skin coat.

"Wow, cloud, was it really that gross?" Tifa said to a vomiting Cloud.

Then D came back to life

" OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE DID TO ME? AAAHHHH STAY AWAY!" A skinless diablo screamed, before growing back his skin.

"There, your skin is back! Man, your such a baby.", Tifa said.

Diablo was scared, so he went a different way when they went to look for a way in the Hq.

"Now...er.. Tifa.. er.. you have to stop...er IM SORRY! DONT KILL ME!" Cloud cried.

"Thats for me to decide." Tifa replied.

"AAAAHHHH!" Cloud screamed and ran the same way, following diablo.

"Wow, Tifa, that was cool,"Yuffie said. " Wanna teach me later?"

"Sure, ill teach you" Tifa said, walking into Hq.

"Wow, men are stupid. We are right in front of Hq, and they go away to look for it?" Tifa said, and then they stopped.

Because right then, Hello Kitty was standing right in front of them, Katana drawn, holding Diablos head.

Thats chapter 3. I know its short, but i usually update fast, right? 3 chapters in 3 days. amazing. lol.


	4. Random StoryIm Bored

I know this has nothing to do with FF7: AotHEM, but i didnt waste any time typing it, so there

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Dont worry, this is just to buy me time. Ill continue FF7-AotHEM


End file.
